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-- Short Shots  --


     The absolutely funniest line by a professional jock. Ever. 


Move over Lee Trevino, Tiger is now scooping up the great one-liners like he used to scoop up the major trophies.  

Yesterday the greatest golfer of all time -- at least according to the all-time money list -- blew out the entire 115th US Open and any chance he may have had to compete in it over the weekend when he shot an 80 on the par 70 course at University Place, WA.  Any other player -- and any other Tiger Woods, like the one he was in the past -- would not have found the wherewithal to see, much less say, anything funny about his performance.  But given that his playing partner Rickey Fowler, who is currently #10 on this year's money list, carded one stroke worse, Tiger pointed out to the press: “The bright side is, at least I kicked Rickie’s butt today.”

I'm sorry, America, but that is the funniest thing a professional jock has ever said.  And then today he did it again -- and by "it" I mean, posting a lousy score and cranking out a post-18th funny, nonpareil. Having shot a poor 76 Tiger said he was aiming to get within about 5 or 6 strokes of par, but the other side. 

While the world breathlessly waits for Tiger Woods to turn the corner, these quips tell me he already has, and in the best way possible.  Maybe he finally sees that no matter how much money is on the line, golf is nothing more a fucking gormless game of chasing a stupid, dimpled ball around a bunch of numbered paddocks with a bunch of numbered sticks.  Bobby Jones saw that early in life and moved on.  Hopefully, Tiger has seen it now while he still has time to develop other skills and personal assets, like his sense of humor.

Although you wouldn't know it by reading the sports writers, Tiger is still the best the game has ever seen and the best it will see for many decades to come.  Although he is no longer on the annual money-list, his life-time earnings are about $110M.  Nobody is even close.  At $77M Mickelson comes in a distant second.  

Tiger doesn't need to play golf until he drops, he's proved whatever he, or his father, had to prove. He needs to find life.  He needs to laugh. He needs to stop destroying his body.  Here is my guess as to what is happening to him and why his problem is his father.  

Earl Woods was no more of a swing coach than I am. He may have been a brilliant Lt.Col in the Army, but he didn't know shit from shinola when it comes to coaching.  He didn't even start playing himself until he was 42, three years before Tiger was born.  By then Earl was an enthusiast and he took this new son and turned him into a swing-machine.  Earl had no idea the damage he was doing to the boy's back and knees. He knew nothing about the delicate connections of muscles to the vertebral column or the complexity and limitations of the knee. Perfecting a drive like Tiger's to the point his father drove him to perfect it, would have required millions of practice swings over his life, and each one would have done a tiny amount of damage to the tendons and ligaments and to the connecting points of the bones.  The human body did not evolve to hit golf balls 375 yards. While Tiger has proven how powerful a golf swing can be, he is also proving that there is an anatomical price to pay. 

Eventually, Earl brought some local professionals into the effort, but psychologically the long ball was ever after going to be not just Tiger's forte but the basis of his self-esteem.  It was a recipe for musculo-skeletal disaster. 

But it paid off brilliantly, if not physiologically then certainly financially.  Before the pain and surgeries began Tiger was able to amass a fortune in purses.  And until he backed the Escalade into the mailbox he amassed another fortune in endorsements.  His contemporaries, Ernie Els, Phil Mickelson, Jim Furyk, Sergio Garcia, are far behind Tiger in the money game just as they once trailed him in the power of their drives, but they will still be competing when Tiger can barely walk.     

Tiger needs to give the game up and give some thought to what shape he will be in and how much pain he will face in the next 40 years. He needs to think about what else other than chasing a dimpled ball his life is going to be about. 


Jon Stewart knows the massacre drill

HuffPost headline May12.15

Well, durn, this is embarrassing. We’ve got another mass murder in the land of the free and the home of the mass homicide. Yes, nine more innocent bodies filled with bullets from guns supplied by ‘Murica’s gun manufacturers/importers, guns promoted by ‘Murica’s very own NRA, guns protected by some warped, deadly reading of ‘Murica’s 2nd Amendment.  Add another body count to the rolling mass murder known as "police brutality" and it makes ya’ glad to be a ‘Murican, don’t it?     

Jon Stewart and the folks at the Daily Show know the drill by now. They learned it when in the days after 9/11 Stewart was able to single-handedly bring ‘Murica to her blubbering knees with a heart-rending monologue, after which his ratings went through the ceiling. Then he did a ditto for Sandy Hook, and his ratings shot up again. Now his Charleston monologue is being pimped by everyone from HuffPo to CNN.  It's like hold the presses!! Here is something Stewart is not joking about -- must really be serious.   

Stewart and his staff all know how valuable these tragedies are for Stewart’s brand. They know how to milk these incredibly sad situations for all they’re worth. Here's the drill:

When news of a new blood-bath breaks, a red light starts flashing in Stewart’s office. That light means he is to throw away the night’s monologue and dig out the I’m-too-shocked-and-appalled-to-make-jokes script that he keeps in his middle desk drawer. And then for his following of midnight Millennials he becomes, for at least a few moments, the face of saddened and shocked ‘Murica.  

Why am I being so hard on the guy? Why would I see Stewart’s on-air, scripted emotionalism as anything other than ‘Murica’s most loved funny-Jew sincerely trying to come to grips with yet another blood-bath? I mean, I haven’t even seen this latest performance regarding the Charleston killings, so what’s the basis for this rude opinion?    

Well, that’s it. That’s the point, exactly.  I won’t watch him. I quit watching the guy months ago because he promotes bestiality, and I hammered him for crossing that line in February and when he did it again in May.  IMO, anyone that warped is not likely to be someone who genuinely cares about these tragic events other than how to profit from them. 

Sorry, Jon, when you did the dog-sex stuff, you not only stopped being funny, you stopped being someone most decent people can connect with.  Your pathos now comes across as a fraudulent projection of a twisted ethos.  Your show used to be a delectation for 20 minutes or so, 4 nights or so a week for a few weeks every year. But seeing you in a new light, I can't escape the unsettling feeling that your attempts at both humor and sincerity are perfidious and self-serving.  

And stay away from my dog. 



Copyright, Denis O'Brien, 2005-2016 ~ ~ All rights reserved.